101 Of The Worlds Funniest One Liners (100pk)
(pack of 100)
101 of the World’s Funniest One Liners
In the centre of the flyer is a Christian gospel message.
1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It’s lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “Smart”?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature’s way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
20. Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can’t have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Editorial: Probably the most thought-provoking one-liner is “Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.” It’s sad but true — no matter what you do, you will die. This is because you have sinned against God. Let’s see if that’s true: Have you ever lied (even once)? Ever stolen (anything)? Jesus said, “Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her, has committed adultery already with her in his heart.” Ever looked with lust? If you have said “Yes” to these three questions, by your own admission, you are a lying, thieving, adulterer at heart; and we’ve only looked at three of the Ten Commandments. How will you do on Judgment Day? Will you be innocent or guilty? You know that you will be guilty, and end up in Hell. That’s not God’s will. He provided a way for you to be forgiven. He sent His Son to take your punishment: “God commended His love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Jesus then rose from the dead and defeated death. God promises everlasting life to all those who confess and forsake their sins, and trust in Jesus Christ. Please do that today . . . you may not have tomorrow. See John 14:21 for a wonderful promise. Then read the Bible daily and obey what you read. God will never let you down.
33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
35. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
36. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42. I’ve only been wrong once, and that’s when I thought I was wrong.
43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.
44. I don’t find it hard to meet expenses. They’re everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
46. Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National Atheist’s Day April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
51. Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
52. If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.
53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
54. IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.
55. I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
57. I can handle pain until it hurts.
58. No matter where you go, you’re there.
59. If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane.
60. It’s been Monday all week.
61. Gravity always gets me down.
62. This statement is false.
63. Eschew obfuscation.
64. They told me I was gullible…and I believed them.
65. It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
66. According to my best recollection, I don’t remember.
67. The word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary.
68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.
70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
73. A day without sunshine is like, night.
74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
75. Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
76. Gravity: It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
77. Life is too complicated in the morning.
78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic — ten out of ten die.
79. Nobody’s perfect. I’m a nobody.
80. Ask me about my vow of silence.
81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
85. If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.
86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
87. Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!
88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
89. Who is “General Failure” and why is he reading my hard disk?
90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
93. I didn’t use to finish sentences, but now I
94. I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
96. Vacation begins when Dad says, “I know a short cut.”
97. Evolution: True science fiction.
98. What’s another word for “thesaurus”?
99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
. . . Don’t forget to read the editorial!SKU: 265
180 Movie (DVD)
September 26th 2012 saw the release of a much anticipated documentary produced by Ray Comfort of Living Waters called 180.The 33 minuted documentary, which has taken over 6 months to produce is already causing a stir around the internet, with Atheist groups doing all they can to slander Ray Comfort and his efforts to save lives.
In this short movie Ray Comfort does an excellent job of bringing logical reasoning into the debate of Abortion and a women’s right.
The problem most Pro-Abortion activists have is an inconsistent reasoning when it comes to the issues of why they think killing a baby while it’s still in the womb is okay.
Though this movie is only 33 minutes in length, Ray and his team do an excellent job in bringing the real issue to the surface.
As stated by Ray, many people have tried to convince him to remove the gospel presentation at the end. But as Ray rightly argues, it’s the gospel that is needed to change the hearts of people. Though his arguments are great for helping to save the lives of babies, the gospel is needed to be able to save the adults.SKU: 609
Gospel Tracts, Money
Amazing Grace Flash Mob tract (50pk)
Size: 4.0″ x 9.5″. Printed on glossy, full-colour cardstock. (50 per pack).
AMAZING GRACE (LYRICS)
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
Was blind, but now I see.
’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
‘Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
When we’ve been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise
Than when we’d first begun.
THE FAMOUS HYMN “Amazing Grace” has been recorded by more than 7,000 artists, including Willie Nelson, Whitney Houston, Elvis Presley, and Johnny Cash. It was written by John Newton, a former slave trader, and the “grace” he spoke of is the unearned favor of God. It was God’s “amazing grace” that opened his blind eyes to the reality of His love. John Newton discovered that on Judgment Day God will judge us by the Ten Commandments, and that Jesus said, “Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Newton knew that all of us are guilty to some degree, and when he wrote “how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me,” he was speaking of being saved from a very real Hell. The Bible warns that “all liars will have their part in the lake of fire,” and who of us hasn’t lied, lusted, stolen, or used God’s name in vain? We are all guilty and heading for Hell, but this is where God’s amazing grace comes in. Because God is “rich in mercy,” He sent His Son to be our Savior. Jesus Christ paid the penalty for sinners by dying on the cross 2,000 years ago. The Bible says, “God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Then He rose from the dead and defeated the power of the grave. If we repent (turn from our sins) and trust in the Savior alone, God will forgive us and grant us everlasting life (something infinitely more valuable than anything money can buy). Have you done that? The moment you do you’ll be “born again” and you will say with John Newton, “Amazing grace! How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found; was blind, but now I see.”SKU: 223
Audacity, Outreach Movies, Video
Audacity Movie DVD
(Widescreen DVD, Special Features, Closed Captioning, Feature Run Time 55 minutes)
Peter (Travis Owens) is an aspiring comedian encouraged by his friend Ben (Ben Price, Australia’s Got Talent finalist) to perform at the local comedy club. But stage fright isn’t Peter’s only fear. When confronted with one of today’s most divisive issues, he feels compelled to speak, but can he? Challenged by his coworker Diana (Molly Ritter) to defend his convictions about homosexuality and gay marriage, will he have the courage to stand for what he believes—even at the risk of losing a friendship? And how will he respond when faced with a harrowing life-or-death experience? “Audacity” uses a unique approach to address a very sensitive subject in contemporary society. Regardless of your views on homosexuality, you’ll gain fresh insights and a new perspective.SKU: 618
Audacity: A Novel
Paperback | 190 pages
Based on the movie by RAY COMFORT. Novelization by JULIA ZWAYNE
Peter is an aspiring comedian encouraged by his friend Ben to perform at the local comedy club. But stage fright isn’t Peter’s only fear. When confronted with one of today’s most divisive issues, he feels compelled to speak, but can he? Challenged by his coworker Diana to defend his convictions about homosexuality and gay marriage, will he have the courage to stand for what he believes—even at the risk of losing a friendship? And how will he respond when faced with a harrowing life-or-death experience? Audacity uses a unique approach to address a very sensitive subject in contemporary society. Regardless of your views on homosexuality, you’ll gain fresh insights and a new perspective.
If you enjoyed the movie, you will love the book as it fills in the background of its leading characters. You will also find out why it was that Peter so struggled to do stand-up. Something happened in his youth that almost scarred him for life. You will discover why Diana was like she was, as well as the traumatic experience that brought Ben to the foot of the cross. However, this book wasn’t written to solve little mysteries or just for your entertainment. It was written so that you would have something nonthreatening to give to friends, family members, workmates, and strangers, that will bring them under the sound of the biblical gospel.
“I thoroughly enjoyed this fast paced easy read with a modern-day message for all of us! Ray once again doesn’t disappoint. I haven’t seen the movie yet, but now I really want to.”
“Peter and Ben have an incredible dialogue in the book, which is completely missing in the movie. Photos from the movie are included, as well as an insightful interview with Ray Comfort about his decision to make the movie. He responds to questions you may also be asking about Christians and homosexuality. I saw the movie first and then read the book, but now, with the added plot information, I want to go back and see the movie again.”SKU: X108
Conversation Starters, Gospel Tracts, Money
Aussie Million Dollar Note (100pk)
(Pack of 100 notes)
The Aussie Million Dollar Notes are our most popular because of their incredible ability to grab people’s attention. We have continued to improve the Million Dollar Note over the years to make the message clearer and easier to understand as well as make the design more appealing.
This Million Dollar note has circulated Australia for over 10 years. Close to 2 million have been handed out around the country which although is a huge number, still means only 1 in 12 Australians have had one.
On the front is featured the infamous Ned Kelly and the Sydney Opera House on the back.
The Gospel message is on the back of the note:
Ask yourself the million dollar question: Will you go to Heaven when you die? Here’s a quick test: Have you ever told a lie, stolen anything, or used God’s name in vain? Have you looked with lust? Which is adultery of the heart in God’s eyes. If you’ve done these things you will stand before God as a lying, thieving, blasphemous, adulterer at heart. And no amount of good works can make up for past crimes. The Bible warns that your punishment will be in a place called Hell. However God is not willing that any should perish, which is why He sent His Son to suffer and die on the cross. Sinners broke God’s Law, but Jesus paid their fine. That means He can legally forgive your sins: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” Then He rose from the dead and defeated death. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Repent from sin today and trust in Jesus Christ alone for salvation, and God will forgive you and grant you the free gift of everlasting life. Read the Bible to learn about God. Free resources at: WhatsTheGospel.com
A great way to start a conversation. Australian $1000000 Dollar Note.SKU: A113
Einstein, God, and the Bible
(Hardcover. 278 pages)
“Why is it that nobody understands me, yet everybody likes me?” Albert Einstein
The genius scientist that everyone knows may be the least understood — until now. Ray Comfort explores the life and beliefs of the world’s most iconic man of science. Learn how to put to death forever the myth that Albert Einstein was an atheist.
How did a German Jew rise almost overnight to international iconic status at a time when the Western World considered every German to be the enemy?
Why do so many atheists claim him as one of their own despite his belief in God?
What did he discover that changed the face of modern science?
What did Albert Einstein believe about God and the Bible?
The answers will fascinate you.
“Einstein, God, and the Bible is a timely book on a subject that interests multitudes throughout the world. Ray Comfort has an exceptional gift in that he takes the most interesting subjects and creates engaging and accessible work that appeals to novice readers and scholars alike. I am sure Einstein will influence millions.” Greg Elsasser, The Adventures of Roman and JorgeSKU: 195
EvG, Outreach Movies, Video
Evolution vs God Movie (DVD)
Hear expert testimony from leading evolutionary scientists at some of the world’s top universities:
Peter Nonacs, Professor, Ecology and Evolutionary Biology, UCLA
Craig Stanford, Professor, Biological Sciences and Anthropology, USC
PZ Myers, Associate Professor, Biology, University of Minnesota Morris
Gail E. Kennedy, Associate Professor, Anthropology, UCLA
Watch as they present their most compelling evidence for Darwinian evolution. Their answers will amaze you!
“Evolution vs. God will rock the creation and evolution world!” Ken Ham, Answers in Genesis
“Exciting and revealing.” Dr. Henry M. Morris III, CEO, Institute for Creation Research, Dallas, Texas
“Fascinating. Highly revealing. You will be amazed at what the experts themselves have to say!” Dr. Jason Lisle, ICR
“Ray Comfort’s ability to insightfully shred the vain reasoning’s of men is a gift, and this film is a tour de force exposure of the emptiness of humanism.” Dr. James White, Alpha & Omega Ministries
“Absolutely excellent.” Paul Taylor, Creation Today
“Wow! Engaging.” Dr. Frank Turek, CrossExamined.org
“Revealing, thought-provoking, and challenging.” Dr. Norm Geisler
“Enlightening as well as entertaining-because it forces evolutionists to exercise a mental muscle that they apparently haven’t used in a while.” Eric Hovind, President Creation Today
“Not since ‘Expelled’ has anything been done that is as important as this.” Carl D. Kerby, President, Reasons for Hope
“Wow! Very encouraging to see a tactical and practical method to expose the lies which permeate our culture.” Jayson Payne, Museum Curator, Creation & Earth History Museum
“Excellent. Superbly done.” Phil Johnson, PyroManiacs
“Fascinating and eye-opening. Every student and every parent should watch it!” Randy Alcorn, Eternal Perspective MinistriesSKU: 622
EXIT Movie (DVD)
Before you finish reading this, one individual will have ended their life by suicide—because they think they have no other choice. This compelling movie shines a powerful light in the darkness and offers true hope to those who think they have none.
(40 minutes, DVD, Closed-Captioned)
Before you finish reading this, one individual will have ended their life by suicide—because they think they have no other choice. According to the World Health Organisation, a massive 800,000 people take their lives every year — one death every 40 seconds. That’s 3,000 a day. For millions who suffer from depression and despair, “EXIT” points to a better way. This compelling movie shines a powerful light in the darkness and offers true hope to those who think they have none. Someone you know may secretly be considering their final exit. Watch “EXIT,” and share it with those you love.
“I screened “EXIT” to our elders and wives last night. Very encouraging and powerful. We pre-ordered 2,000 copies of the DVD to give out for free. We plan on ordering many more.”
—Pastor Mike Reed, Calvary Chapel, Oceanside, CA
“An absolute triumph”
—Joseph Farah, CEO, WNDSKU: 616
Genius, Outreach Movies, Video
Genius Movie (DVD)
GENIUS is a new and chilling movie based on the life and tragic murder of John Lennon. It’s chilling because it reveals what people will do for money. There are ordinary people out there who would kill you. All they need is the right amount of money and the belief that they won’t get caught.
Just before he was murdered, John Lennon told Playboy magazine that he didn’t want to die at 40. Ironically the famous singer was gunned down at the age of 40 by a man who killed him just because he wanted to become famous.
Many think that John Lennon was a musical genius. His music has crossed cultures and even generations–the Beatles have sold more than 2,303,500,000 record albums, and in June of 2012 they hit number one on iTunes. They are as big now as they ever were and they’re half dead–with the tragic loss of Lennon and Harrison.SKU: 607
Gospel Tracts, Money
Gift for You (10pk)
(Pack of 10)
**This tract is printed on a light-weight card and is the size and shape of a cheque book folder. It has two slots for you to put in money — any size note you wish. We strongly suggest that you use brand new notes, which you can obtain through your bank (there’s something clean and fresh about new notes). You can hand out these tracts anywhere, or drop one in the envelope when you pay your bills. Why not aim at giving out $260 each year — one tract containing five dollars each week? **
Why give away money?
There are four reasons: First. As a small token of apology for the fact that so many have asked for money in the name of Christianity. Christians should be giving to the community, not taking from it.
The second reason is to ask you an important question. Do you consider yourself to be a good person? Let’s look at the Ten Commandments and see if you are. Have you ever told a lie? Have you ever stolen anything? (The value of the item is irrelevant). Have you ever used God’s Name in vain? Jesus said, “Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart.” Have you ever looked with lust? Will you be guilty or innocent on the Day of Judgment? Will you go to Heaven or Hell?
If you are guilty of breaking those four, God sees you as a “lying, thieving, blasphemous, adulterer at heart,” and the Bible makes it clear that you will end up in Hell. But there is good news. Even though we broke God’s Law (the Ten Commandments), He became a man to pay the fine. Jesus suffered and died on the cross (taking our punishment upon Himself), then He rose from the dead: “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes on Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” God doesn’t want you to go to Hell. He can forgive you and grant you the gift of everlasting life, so confess your sins to Him right now, put your trust in Jesus, and you will pass from death to life.
The third reason for giving you the money is to show you that you have faith. Perhaps you are saying, “How can I know if the gospel is true?” Maybe you felt the same about this gift, but you had enough faith to open it and see if money was inside. Do the same with the gospel. This gift was mere money. God’s gift is everlasting life — so what are you waiting for? You may not have tomorrow . . .
The fourth reason: The information you are now reading was hidden from you by the money. The Bible says the things of God are hidden from you because of your sin. Allow God to wash away your sins and your eyes will suddenly be opened to a whole new realm.
Pray something like this: “Dear God, today I turn away from all of my sins (name them). I put my trust in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Please forgive me, change my heart, and grant me your gift of everlasting life. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.” Then read your Bible daily, and obey what you read (see John 14:21). Go now to www.livingwaters.com and click on “Save Yourself Some Pain.” There you will find important principles that will help you grow in your faith.SKU: 286